How to Survive Visiting Boston
Boston is a very historic American city. Every year millions of tourists, some from international locations, visit this famous venue. Unfortunately, some of them end up getting more than they bargained for. If visits to the emergency room are not part of your itinerary while visiting the east coast, then you should plan accordingly. You can’t just walk around Boston (like you can everywhere else in the world) and expect to be treated with common courtesy. As a matter of fact, mingling with the natives puts you in serious danger of physical harm here.
It probably sounds like I am exaggerating. I mean, Boston is a popular tourist destination. You got the Maine lobster, the clam chowder, the green monster, and all that American Revolution history. If it were dangerous, certainly you would know about it by now. Right?
Not necessarily. Boston is actually a dangerous place for normal human beings. Why haven’t you been warned about this? Perhaps it’s because those of us who have experienced first-hand just how dangerous of a place it really is are a bit embarrassed to admit it. Getting punched in the face is not something you normally brag about when recounting your vacation details to your friends. But that is exactly what is going to happen if you visit Boston and attempt to mingle with the locals.
You see, Boston is populated by people of Irish decent. This particular heritage involves a lot of foolish pride. Most of that pride can only be validated by fighting. Irish folk love to fist-fight, and that stereotype is not exaggerated when you see television shows full of Irish folk beating each other half to death. The doctors in Boston love it.
If you avoid the locals when in Boston you will probably be OK. This means going directly to your hotel room after dinner. Do not stay out late. Do not engage local residents in any kind of conversation whatsoever. If you do, they will see it as a wonderful opportunity to put a fist into your mouth, removing a few important teeth in the process. Don’t think this can’t happen. Boston residents are just looking for the opportunity to do that to you.
If you do decide to risk visiting a sports bar, act like a Red Sox fan. Try to dress like one as well. If somebody asks you if you like the Yankees, be ready to profess your internal burning hate for that organization. If you are not believable, you risk a very dangerous physical assault.
The final tip I want to give you has to do with driving in Boston. Merging doesn’t work here like it does in other places. The first people to clue you in on this will be the nice folks at the rent-a-car counter. They will tell you to basically commit to wrecking their car, otherwise you will never be able to merge into another lane. The drivers in this city can smell fear, and courtesy is not in their vocabulary. You have to stick you nose in between the two cars and force your way in. That’s the only way they will think you are a local and allow you to merge.
If you must visit this city, please take my above advice seriously.
Papa Riah